Last night Husband and I went to dinner and I spent some of it crying and some of it angry. This seems par for the course since our first dinner out after we had Ned and Penny I was
crying about breastfeeding.
While the sleep deprivation hasn't helped my mental state here are the things I've found myself upset over:
1. Time alone. The hardest part about having a nanny is that I am getting no down time. This sounds ridiculous but let me explain. If I'm not feeding Josie then I feel like I have to be with Ned and Penny since I'm not going to get a chance to be with them this much in the future once I go back to work. Our nanny also often wants me to come up with activities and do them with her. That I should be carting Josie to the twins' early intervention playgroup and music class, going on playdates, to the zoo, etc. and it is hard to say no. Then I'm trying to rush our nanny out the door at 5 pm to save some money on overtime and then I have to deal with infant clusterfeeding and cranky toddlers during the witching hour before Husband gets home - assuming he isn't traveling. To try to avoid being home I've been doing a million errands much of which involve the grocery store and cooking which of course decreases my downtime because after all the kids are in bed I'm preparing a meal and then getting to bed way too late (usually around 11 pm, with Josie up at 1 am, 4 am, 6 am and me not easily getting back to sleep). I'm also trying to get things done while I'm on leave - we have some home repairs I'm overseeing, car repairs, finding a lawyer for estate planning, the list goes on.
I decided I am going to ask my mom if I can spend 2-3 days a week at my parents' house that is about 15 miles away. I'll bring my laptop, maybe even buy some groceries and just stay there until 3 pm. The downside is that they have no central air and my little brother is often home (he's been unemployed for over a year). This might mean I can even nap - would you believe that I haven't had a nap in almost a month? They also have a fully loaded home gym and this way I won't have to stress about leaving Josie with April while I try to work out at a real gym. Maybe I can even find a personal trainer who will come to their house.
2. Lack of appreciation. My "management" personality is to provide praise and encouragement; Husband's is not. So while I am giving him kudos often for how great he is with Ned and Penny, the work he puts into managing our bills/finances and other things I don't ever get the same encouragement. As I explained to Husband I usually get that with my deal closings but now that I'm not working he needs to provide some of that validation since obviously if you are looking for validation toddlers and infants won't be providing you with much. I want him to appreciate all the efforts I go to organizing things, making dinner, grocery shopping, keeping our house picked up, doing his laundry, and other "homey" items.
3. Growing up. Husband is a slob. And I've reached my limit. Normally I can block it out since I'm at work so much and I'd rather not argue about it the small amount of time I see him each day. But I'm at home all the time and it surrounds me and I want to pull my hair out over his inability to be an adult about his possessions: the dirty laundry that is
right next to the laundry basket instead of in it, the shoes he leaves everywhere for me and the kids to trip over, the dishes that never, ever, ever get into the dishwasher, the many glasses of water he leaves in the bedroom, well, you get the picture. In fact - here is visible proof of what I live with -
our home office. Husband's response is that he isn't going to change and I have to just deal with it. But that isn't an acceptable answer. It cannot be that I have to pick up after FOUR children instead of the three I gave birth to. While Nanny April does a lot to pick up after him we won't have a nanny forever and he needs to act like a 34 year old adult instead of a fraternity brother. Of course we didn't talk in the car ride home and when we did get home Husband took his shoes off and left them in the middle of the path to the front door
two feet from the shoe rack I purchased and set up so that he could put his shoes out of the way. If his parents hadn't been there I would have chucked his damn shoes at him.
We haven't discussed this again but I have been angry and upset enough that I had a million dreams last night arguing with him about his lack of consideration for his possessions, our house, himself and most importantly, ME! Apparently my spleen continues to need venting since I'm taking this to the Internet.
Many months ago I tried to get him on board with meeting with and paying someone to help us get organized and he refused. I view this as I do marriage counseling - if you think you want to divorce and you have kids you can't say no to marriage counseling, it isn't an option. I don't think Husband can say no to my demands that he pick up after himself. I don't want our house and our lives to sink to the lowest common denominator. I don't want to feel like I am treading water and just surviving but to feel organized and in charge and a clean, de-cluttered house would go a long way.
What do you all think? Am I being unreasonable to expect him to pick up his possessions and put them away? To figure out a way that he will do so? Right now all I can think of is to treat him like a child and starting "throwing out" (hiding) items that he leaves around the house until he learns; but I don't want to treat my husband, my partner and co-parent as a child.